The Parking Chronicles I

If I continue this way, I might have to invest in a black, hooded sweat suit and even a mask, one from  “Scream” or “A Clockwork Orange.” I want to handle the issue head-on (catch someone red-handed), but have generally been denied the opportunity. Parkers taking up two spaces are as elusive as a faint whiff of persimmons, or–dare I say it?–a heap of dog shit under some leaves. So yes, I’ve been reduced to “that person.” 

A handful of times, I’ve left cranky notes under a bad parker’s windshield wiper.

Here’s my defense. One, I’ve been given no other recourse. Two, I limit my notes to chronic offenders. Three, I limit my notes to chronic offenders. Defenses two and three coalesce, creating the necessity to keep close track of license plates.

This is how VKF 521 came to my attention.      

VKF 521 arrived early Friday afternoons, when parking spaces were abundant. He claimed two prime spots as his own, and his car remained there until Monday evening. As the pattern became came clear, I established that he was solely a weekend visitor. While I was lugging my handbag, overnight bag, gym bag, briefcase, groceries, and laundry a block and a half to my apartment, he was probably getting laid. 

One day as I lurched past VKF’s car, I began twitching with agitation. I stopped, dropped my bags and groped for a scrap of paper. Surreptitiously looking left and right (I don’t want to be this person!) I scrawled, “Please park more considerately,” and tucked the note under his windshield wiper. This was a trial; my wrist was still numb from the weight of a cat litter bag. But I wanted to be proactive–even if it was in a low-down, sneaky way. 

As I left the scene of my crime, pride and shame asserted themselves in equal measure. I’d done a dirty job, one calling for misguided assertiveness skills, a prickly disposition, and a ready scrap of paper. However I chose to feel about it, I’d been perfectly suited to the job. My performance had been stellar.      

I wonder if Macy’s sells cute hoods and masks.

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13 thoughts on “The Parking Chronicles I

  1. OMG, June, am I a terrible person if I tell you I laughed through this entire post? “he was probably getting laid, gropped for a piece of paper, wrist still numb from the weight of a cat litter bag…” LMAO! Love it! What you should have done is keyed his car. That always makes most of us feel better! And no, it’s not a terrible thing to do. It’s called “taking matters into your own hands!” 🙂 hee hee!

    1. Bella, your laughter is a high compliment. And your kind words made my day. As for keying a car, you can’t imagine how I sometimes fight the urge. All that stops me is the vision of myself in a musty jail cell. Although, now that I consider it, it would provide great blogging material….

    1. Thank you, and I’m so glad you liked it! VKF drove me nuts–if only because I couldn’t think of what the letters could be manipulated to stand for. V? Very. F? I’m sure you can guess. But the K??? I’m still trying to come up with something!

    1. Hello! Thanks for your kind words. As for the note, more will be revealed in The Parkering Chronicles II. I hope you’ll drop by for it. Have a great weekend!

    1. You’re accusing me of having a sick mind? I’m offended to the core. Despite this, however, I hope you’re feeling better and enjoying the weekend.

  2. What is it with bad parkers? I thought your note was letting the guy off easy. I am quite impressed how polite your note was. I am thinking along the lines of Junebug. VKF …hmm, pehaps something like “looks like you have Virtually F[you know the word] Karma but of course that isn’t in the right order… at any rate my note would have been a page burner.

    I will be looking forward to part II.

    1. Cheryl,
      Don’t give the Junebug confusion a thought. In your place, it would probably take me three months to figure it out.
      As for VKF, you can’t imagine how hard my boyfriend and I have tried to think of a “VKF” nickname. If only the F was in the middle! As it stands now, we’ve fot nothing.
      How cool you were uppercutting! (love the terminology). And for all you know, if you and Jennifer ever met, maybe you’d intimidate the hell out of her!
      Thanks for the comments.

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